...about what people think...
...about whether I'll conquer the world some day...
...about whether I'm brilliant or original in any way...
...about how my sons will turn out...
Why do I worry? Do I think that somehow the only way to motivate myself to excel or succeed, perhaps even survive in life, is to make myself afraid?
I am imperfect. Am I trying to prove otherwise? What am I so afraid of in being imperfect, rejection?
The terrible thing is that all this insecurity might actually end up being a self-fulfilling prophecy, more thwarting than ensuring my success. If I'm always nervous and distracted by the thought of failure, I'll not have sufficient focus left for succeeding.
But then maybe I should probe deeper into how I define success. What am I striving for? What would it take for me to consider myself successful?
I don't know when it started exactly, but I have a suspicion. I started working for a prominent logistics company in Cincinnati, Ohio and was being told I too could work really hard and make a six-figure income. It wasn't long before I adopted that dream as my own, and I worry that since then I've held it up in my thoughts as a sort of idolatrous mirage. When did my life become all about making money? It can't be!
But wait. Am I saying that making money is bad? No. But putting it at the center of your self-concept is, and so is seeing your whole life revolve around the attainment of that goal.
The same goes for people-pleasing.
Why have I gotten so wrapped up in trying to impress everyone anyhow? Maybe as a means to the end of someday making a lot of money, I'm not sure. Or do I want to make a lot of money to impress people because that's really my highest goal?
I used to enjoy writing and singing and taking pictures and being funny and thinking grand philosophical, theological, political opinionated thoughts, and voicing them, and debating with people. Not so many years ago, I used to really enjoy those things. I can't seem to do any of them anymore, or even consider doing them, without first asking myself what people will think.
Do I even enjoy my children anymore? I know I do sometimes, but how often am I just simply missing out on relishing the privilege I have to be their father right now? Too often, and all because I've become preoccupied with worrying about whether people approve of the age at which I started having these sons, or whether they approve of how close in age my sons are to one another, or whether they agree that we should have this many, or whether they think my children are well-behaved.
It's insane.
"The fear of man is a snare,
But he who trusts in Yahweh is safe."
So what gives, Garrett? Why are you afraid of people? Why don't you trust God anymore?
I think that's what it comes down to.
Well, for one, the stakes have never been higher for me. I didn't want to fail as a father when I only had one son, but now I have four!
We recently moved over 1,400 miles for the employment and career opportunities which are uniquely available in abundance here in eastern Montana and western North Dakota, due to the Bakken oil and gas formation. Sometimes I feel like the eyes of everyone who knows me or has heard of me are on me and that my rise or fall will be subject to an audience of hundreds.
So what if it is, though? Yes, that possibility plucks my heart strings on two notes - that of people pleasing and also of wealth chasing. But maybe I don't need to care so much. Maybe I can choose to care less.
My cousin posited the statistic about funerals to me that, on average, only five people will cry at your funeral. In other words, only five people are going to care enough that you died some day to even shed a tear. So if the vast majority of people I meet are going to care that little about my life when it ends, why should I burden myself too much with what they think of me while I'm alive?
Maybe I won't end up a phenomenal success right where I'm at now. Maybe I'll never conquer the world. Maybe this is as good as it ever gets. So what? I don't think that's true, but so what if it is? I shouldn't stop enjoying the life God has given me right now and be miserable just because it's not quite what I expected.
If I'm patient and work hard and try to do a good, thorough job, remain honest and decent and faithful with what's been entrusted to me so far, I will make progress and move forward, whether slowly or quickly.
"God willing, we will live and do this or that."
